I Feel Like I’m F*cking Failing At Fashion

You know, I feel like this every, idk, 3 years? Feeling like I’m failing as an entrepreneur, failing at “doing” fashion, hell even failing at participating in fashion. And the shit is a mind fuck, a horrible one.

All of these feelings came up when I went to NY for Fashion Week. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed every moment I was there, but damnit, I could not keep up! I missed most of the shows I wanted to see, and the schedule I’d made for myself was beyond unattainable. The content I planned on making? Gave that shit up after day one. I was so tired I couldn’t even stick to a posting schedule. How the hell am I supposed to get brand deals if I can’t follow through on documenting Fashion Week, of all things? And then I almost skipped the last night of events because I’d forgotten about a client project I needed to finish and was beating myself up over it.

In all the pomp and circumstance, I felt inspired and like I wasn’t doing enough at the same time. I was getting invited to magazine launch parties while our print magazine was hanging on by a thread. I’d see these huge NYFW activations, then think about packing my bags and going home to St. Louis, where the fashion infrastructure is still lowkey questionable. And that’s complicated for me. I’m the publicist for the city’s fashion week, and I’ve built my brand around showing that you can be successful in fashion from St. Louis. I believe that wholeheartedly. I just also know how much we’re still trying to build and it feels like a big ass contradiction.

So after getting home and sitting with my feelings, I made the decision to discontinue the print and digital magazine format of Advisor. for now – including canceling our September issue. I know it’s the right business decision, but damn, it still feels like I can’t get this right. We’ve changed our model so many times, trying to make it realistic for a team of working creatives while also figuring out what makes sense for media now. Kaya Nova, the owner of GROWNMag, once compared running a business to raising a badass kid, and baby, she hit the nail on the head. You can plan, adjust, strategize, do everything you’re supposed to do, and this shit will still do whatever the fuck it wants. It’s frustrating.

And I think that’s what hurts most. When I picture a fashion magazine, I picture something you can hold. A physical piece of proof that this thing I dreamed up exists. So if we stop making that, does it mean we haven’t done enough? Does it make our voice any less worth listening to? I know a magazine doesn’t need to be in print to matter, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid of Advisor. becoming easier to overlook when we’re competing with hundreds of other publications.

Some of this is about me, and some of it is about the person I’ve spent years becoming in public. I don’t do well when I feel like I’m falling short of what I should be doing. It really messes with my head (trauma I’m working through). How can I be AK Brown – The Fashion Connector, if I’m questioning whether I can even make my own fashion business work? And on the days when I don’t feel tapped in enough, I start wondering how much I’m actually connected to. I know what I’ve built. I also know how quickly I can convince myself it should be bigger by now. This is why I tell people to stop pocket watching someone else’s “success.” What looks like an “I made it” moment to you might be at the bottom of their goal list. That’s how I feel most of the time. I haven’t come close to doing everything I set out to do in fashion, and I’m having to rethink those goals. What can I actually carry? What do I still want for myself, and what just looks good from the outside?

And then there’s St. Louis, a goal I can’t just cross off the list because it’s gotten heavy. I’ve spent years telling people you can build a real fashion career here, and I believe that. But when I look at how much we’re still trying to build, I wonder if I’ve done enough to move anything forward. I know that’s a wild amount of responsibility to put on myself. Knowing it doesn’t make the feeling go away.

I don’t know how long this version of the feeling will stick around and in another 3 years I’ll be feeling like this again, and damnit maybe I’m just in my head and being dramatic. But right now, I’m letting Advisor. become something different, trying to be honest about what I can actually carry, and reminding myself that I’m allowed to want more without treating everything I’ve already done like it counts for nothing. Some days I believe that more than others. Today, I needed to write it down.

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